Monthly Archives: April 2018

Individuation and Crying Over The Wonder Woman Trailer

Ok, lets get the trailer out of the way. Because this isn’t a postcard about feminism, this is a postcard about masculinism. And the fact that spellcheck doesn’t even recognise it as a word goes a long way to making my point. But first, in order to really make my point, I need to vent about that trailer. So strap yourselves in for a couple of paragraphs, because I’m not feeling warm and fuzzy about it.

I can’t tell you how excited I was about that movie. The Lasso of Truth and indestructible Bracelets of Submission for heaven’s sake. How much material for awesomeness do you need? And then the trailer began, and within a minute my heart was sinking as I watched yet another portrayal of a woman’s power being defined by her capacity to reject her femininity, embody masculine energy and to wear a sexy outfit as she uses destructive weapons to fight and brutalize men. Now excuse me while I get out my soapbox and megaphone, because I need to yell this part. A person’s power does not come from diminishing the value or power of the opposite sex, making them redundant, or from putting them in their place. That’s just fear and unresolved pain plus the exertion of will. A woman does not need to become a man in order to defend herself or her equality. Women’s bodies are not supposed to be ‘tight’ and excessively muscular or kicking anyone’s ass. Feminine power is fluid, creative, intuitive, nurturing magic. And believe me, if you think that physical aggression is power, that any kind of kicking ass and taking names behaviour is power, then you have never messed with a woman in full possession of her magic.

I am incredibly lucky to be part of a group of women who meet every other week to challenge, support and celebrate each other through the trials and victories of life, along with all the places in between. We often laughingly refer to ourselves as a coven, and we are only half kidding. I cannot begin to tell you the hardship and darkness these women have lived through. And they have risen, not by fighting or exacting revenge or staying angry, but through their capacity to process deep rivers of pain through grief, forgiveness, making difficult choices, and ultimately by returning to love. That, my friends, is power.

But while the Wonder Woman trailer may have been the inciting incident that brought me to the page, I’m not here to write with an exclusively pro-woman agenda. So let me explain.

As I mentioned in my previous postcard, I take time to process my experiences. So on November 8th last year, the only thing I felt was surprised. 24 hours later, I sat down in a dark, candle-lit temple in California, and cried…for an hour. My heart was hurting so badly, that I’d needed solace. But what healed me that night wasn’t meditation, or another woman sitting with me in solidarity. It was watching a young man, maybe in his early 30’s, performing his spiritual ritual. Dressed head to toe in white, his dark hair shaved to nearly nothing, he sat in meditation in front of an altar until after maybe 30 minutes he stood, cleaned the altar, and left. It was all I needed. An experience of an aspect of true masculine energy as the perfect balm for a dark, dark time.

So men, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we women are becoming pretty vocal, active and insistent about our place in the world and the way we want to be seen and treated, and I’d like to invite you to join us. Because I can spend the rest of my life becoming an empowered woman, but if you aren’t healing with me, then half of my heart will never be quiet. Because we are not separate or divided, this isn’t us versus you, so I need us to do this together. But I need you to start taking a stand too, not for us, but for yourselves. Because as far as I can tell, here’s how YOU are being portrayed in popular culture, most of the time, with varying degrees of severity…

Apparently, your true nature is to be either aggressively violent, or to remain perpetually adolescent, always looking for a ‘get out of jail free’ card to renounce responsibility for your relationships, homes, children, and adulthood. They say your truest desire for connection with women is to have as little accountability and commitment as possible, to use pornography, visit strip clubs and generally to objectify women. Apparently you have no desire or capacity for authentic intimacy. In fact, what you really want, is for the woman you have your primary relationship with to be your mother, the one who emotionally supports you and will always be there. The person who keeps a home you can come back to at the end of the day, weekends, or just whenever you feel like it, and that other women outside of your primary relationship are where you place your fantasy life, just as you did when you were 16. Also your obsession with women’s bodies or sleeping with as many of them as possible without any degree of intimacy or commitment, a healthy part of an experimental phase of adolescence, is actually your true, fully matured nature. Essentially you are developmentally challenged teenage boys, trapped somewhere between puberty and adolescence, without an innate desire or even capacity to progress into maturity. It is a profoundly disrespectful portrait, and I can only imagine deeply frustrating.

Because we’re going to all this trouble to teach young girls that they are smart, that they don’t need rescuing, and that they are not sexual objects. And that being a princess is great, so long as you have your eye on becoming a queen. But if we’re not empowering boys with equivalent teachings, then this whole thing, as far as I can tell, is just going to keep going round and around. And this battle of the sexes is never going to end.

I’m not denying that these portraits are true reflections of a disturbingly large percentage of the male population. I’m saying that these portraits depict the shadow masculine who has become stuck at a developmental stage of life due to some kind of trauma, or the absence of a qualified elder or elders to guide him into adulthood. Men in their whole state are not irresponsible, commitment-phobic, sexually insatiable, Peter Pans. Nor are they instinctively misogynistic or filled with rage and the need or desire to be violent.

What’s described here, I believe, is a psyche that hasn’t received what it needs to individuate into adulthood. What is a healthy state of attachment to his mother, sexual experimentation and a fervent interest in the opposite sex in adolescence, becomes dark when that man isn’t fathered into manhood. His psyche gets stuck and is still being expressed by a man in his 60’s, or indeed any age beyond the appropriate time. The same goes for a woman who has not received the fathering she needed, to be guided into her value and power and sent out into the world as a woman. She becomes trapped in a dysfunctional cycle of trying to get that power and value, most likely still from a man, but now through her sexuality, or by trying to be a man or by simply giving up and stepping into the mother role in all of her subsequent relationships with men. What was once a healthy need goes into shadow and becomes an angry, frightened sense of entitlement and frustration.

Grow Old in Style

Growing old is too often associated with loss, loss of friends and family, loss of independence and loss of style. To allow age to define your lifestyle and your happiness would be an extremely defeatist and unchallenging attitude to have. Growing old should be a vibrant experience, a time that all of your previous living has been leading up to. Your wisdom and experience should be a factor in your everyday decisions, how you act, how you treat people, how you dress and essentially how you live your life. Growing old in style is all about acceptance, accepting that life is changing, that loss will happen and that at times, help from others will be needed. If you can draw together all of your experience and learn to accept everything in your path, then you will most certainly live a vibrant and colourful life.

Dress to impress:

There are no real guides and confinements to what anybody should wear. The only golden rule to dressing yourself when you get older is to wear what makes you feel good. Whether that we a knitted jumper or a cocktail dress. Age should not make you shrink away from making a statement or wearing something crazy. Life is essentially too short for conservatism and for preventing yourself from doing something that makes you happy. Dress however you like and answer to nobody but yourself.

Live well:

Healthy living is so important throughout life, but as you get older, you become more susceptible to diseases and ailments. Cut out bad habits like smoking and excessive drinking if you would like to increase your life expectancy. Exercise regularly and eat well to improve mobility and to keep you active for longer. You owe it to yourself to improve your quality of living. Exercising is only as gruelling or unenjoyable as a person makes it, if you’re not one to get on the treadmill and run a marathon, then why not try a dance class or go for a walk on the beach or through some country lanes? Keeping yourself active is sure to make you happier and healthier at the same time. Living well does not mean living a regimented fitness lifestyle, but rather being aware of what is going to make you feel better and live longer and make allowances for it.

Get with the technology:

There are certain technologies that can improve your quality of life as you get older. Some great examples are the IPad, which will allow you to communicate with your family and browse the internet, and the user friendly GrandCare system, which will allow you to set reminders and will allow your family to access information about you without feeling as though you are being checked up on. It’s quite easy to feel isolated when you are surrounded by people who have adopted technology into their everyday lives, but if you take simple steps to familiarise yourself with different technology, then it will give you the advantage and can bring you closer to your family.

Do what excites you:

Make sure that you’re not somebody who feels that they have missed an opportunity to do something that excites them, or that they have always wanted to do. Life is not meant to be filled with regret or missed opportunity. Whether there’s a certain destination you want to go to, or something daring that you want to do – i.e. skydiving or bungee jumping, then go for it! There is never a wrong age to learn a new skill or make a new memory, make sure that you get the most out of life and do everything in your power to make dreams a reality.

Triggered and What You Can Do

Getting your “buttons” pushed or getting “triggered” is an opportunity to heal and grow. The more hurts we’ve endured and the weaker our boundaries, the more reactive we are to people and events. Our triggers – our buttons – are our wounds. Codependents are off the charts when it comes to reacting to others’ feelings, needs, problems, opinions, wants, and more. When we react, we permit our insides to be taken over by someone or something outside of us. There’s no filter or boundary. We’re pulled off center and might start thinking about that person or about what might happen in the future. Negative reactions easily escalate hurt feelings and conflict. Often, however, we’re really reacting to someone from our past.

A wise, apropos Al-Anon slogan is “Q-Tip,” – “Quit Taking It Personally.” Interpreting someone else’s words or actions to be a comment about us is taking another person’s feelings personally. We might react with guilt or defensiveness, because we assume we’re the cause of someone else’s negative emotion or problem. We have just taken on the other person’s problem or shame when they shame or blame us. Our peace of mind and self-esteem now resides with someone else.

Defining Triggers

What we react to – our “triggers”– are unique to our personality and individual history. Think of triggers as wounds – often from past trauma. When we’re triggered, we’re re-experiencing a past injury in present time – similar to a post-traumatic stress reaction. It’s reopening a painful wound that hasn’t had a chance to heal. A sign of being triggered is when our reaction is disproportionate to the present event or not reasonably related to the actual present facts.

Internal Triggers
Primary triggers are internal, dysfunctional personal beliefs that we learned in childhood. We can trigger ourselves into feeling ashamed if we don’t measure up to standards we’ve adopted for ourselves. We can easily activate our inner critic to ruin our day or our life! Do the steps in 10 Steps to Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism to quiet your critic and overcome the “tyranny of the should’s.” An example is the belief that we should self-sacrifice for other people. Codependents generally deny or devalue their needs. Given this belief, it thus makes sense to put the needs of others first and feel guilty or ashamed not to. Someone asking for help would thus trigger our automatic offer of assistance, even when that could harm ourselves or be counterproductive to the person asking.

Shame-based beliefs about ourselves can make us vulnerable to being triggered by the words and behavior of others. When we’re criticized, whether or not it’s intentional, we can easily surrender our self-esteem and sense of well-being. A common trigger for codependents is being told they’re “too sensitive,” or “selfish.” Frequently, their parents dismissed their feelings or needs with these shaming labels. However, labels stick, despite the fact that they were said by an insensitive or selfish parent. We can grow up feeling branded for life, even though the judgments were untrue.

External Triggers and Overreactions
In some cases, triggers are signs of danger that preceded an earlier wound. We learned to react to them in order be safe and loved. Sometimes these warnings are helpful, but when applied automatically to a different situation, our reactions can be dysfunctional. This is particularly true when we overreact. Overreactions occur when the intensity and duration of our feelings and/or behavior are disproportionately greater than normal under the present circumstances. We overreact when we’re reminded of an experience we’ve had with someone or something important in our past. They may be hard to recognize in ourselves because we believe our perceptions are accurate, but they’re easy to identify in others. For instance, when a hypervigilant war veteran draws his gun upon hearing the walls creak at night – his behavior is appropriate in a war zone, but not when he’s safe at home.

Similarly, we might appropriately slow down if we see a police car to avoid a speeding ticket, but if our past experience with the police has endangered us or a loved to us, we might attempt to flee, drawing the police’s attention and leading to a serious conviction for reckless driving. An overreaction can bring about exactly what we’re attempting to avoid.

Foster Care Placements

Numerous children continue to enter the foster care system every day, each with a different background and unique situation. In an effort to provide the proper care and accommodations for the multitude of foster care children that need a caring and stable environment, there are various types of placements that can occur so that all individual needs are addressed. If you are new to the foster care system, becoming familiar with the different kinds of placements can be helpful in deciding which one(s) would best suit you and your family as foster parents.


Emergency foster care happens unexpectedly and on very short notice. Children removed from unsafe circumstances may need a place to stay for one night or for a few weeks, depending on the specific situation. Immediate relocation of a child may be due to something as extreme as abuse or as simple as a parent’s failure to follow court orders. Emergency foster families must always be prepared to provide food, shelter, clothing, and other necessities as soon as they are called upon as well as be able to handle the trauma a child experiences from suddenly being taken away from their parents.


Whether it’s because of a physical disability or behavioral problems, some children can be more challenging to care for than others, and respite foster placements offer birth, adoptive or other foster parents a break from the intensive nature of such responsibility. These short stays usually last a few hours, a weekend or from one to two weeks and assist in giving permanent guardians the support they need to continue caring for their children effectively.


Long-term foster care is needed when children are unable to return to their birth parents. This is a way of providing a more permanent home life for them until they reach adulthood without committing to an adoption. Oftentimes, older children in the foster care system prefer this type of placement rather than being adopted and will remain in touch with their birth family.


Foster placements that are deemed specialized involve children with medical conditions and require families or individuals that have been trained to properly handle their needs. These can be very ill, emotionally disturbed or behaviorally difficult children that demand hands-on, experienced and time-consuming care in a home that promotes love, discipline, and encouragement.


Foster families that take in parent and child combination placements are dedicated to teaching and guiding by example the appropriate way of parenting. This is usually a service provided as a resource for young parents to learn and develop parenting skills, keeping the family intact whenever possible.

Does The Fear Of Being Harmed

Even though everyone has needs, it doesn’t mean that everyone feels comfortable with their needs. There are going to be people who pay attention to their needs, and this means that they will do what they can to meet them.

On the other hand, there are going to be others who ignore their needs, and this is going to make it hard for them to get them met. And when one can embrace their needs, it is naturally going to have a positive effect on their life.

Black and White

However, when one takes care of their needs, they can end up being seen as ‘selfish’; whereas if they were to focus on other people’s needs, they can be seen as ‘selfless’. Based on this, if one is there for themselves they are a bad person, but if they ignore themselves, they are a good person.

In reality, it is not this simply, and this is because one can be there for themselves and they can be there for others. Through taking care of their needs, it will give them the energy to be there for others.

Point of Focus

For example, if one wanted to give food to someone else, they would have to have food to begin with. If they didn’t have anything, it wouldn’t be possible for them to give anything to anyone else.

In the same way, when one takes care of their own needs before they help others, they will be living their life in the right way. The alternative would be for one to ignore their needs and to be there for others.

Out of Balance

There could be moments when one is able to help another person through doing this, but they are also going to be ignoring themselves in the process. Therefore, it could be said that one will be fixing one problem by creating another.

What this comes down to is that one doesn’t have enough to give, and that is why they will end up paying the price. It would be the same as one giving their lunch money to someone else; this will allow someone else to eat, but it will also cause them to go hungry.

One Thing at a Time

On the other hand, if one was to make sure their needs are taken care of and then they were to be there for others, this won’t need to take place. They will have plenty to give, and this will stop them from having to harm themselves in the process.

This will then allow one to actually make a difference, instead of one behaving in a way that causes them to be another person in the world who is running on empty. Along with this, it can be a lot easier for one to assist others in the right way.

Part of the Problem

As if one was to spend a lot of time trying to help others, they might be doing more harm than good. Instead of giving them the assistance that they need to change their circumstances, they might be keeping them in the same position.

One is then enabling their behaviour, and they could find that the other person’s life ends up becoming even worse. Yet, if one is completely focused on their life, it could stop them from being able to see how much damage is being done.

True Love and Metaphorical Love

It is a famous saying of Ashfaq Ahmad that if a person kills his ego in front of one person then he has metaphorical love for that person but if he kills his ego in front of everyone, then it is a true state of love for God. Here the metaphorical love is defined as the worldly love that a person holds for his blood relations and for those people who are close to his heart. This kind of love stays in the world and does not create any spiritual bonding with the Lord. This kind of love is often two sided and is based on many benefits that a person may demand from the other. It can also last for a limited time, based on the expectations of both parties. Many poets have beautifully explained this love through their poetry and some of them have also declared that love as a false and fake love that is selfish and last for a short time period.

On the other hand, the true love for God remains eternaland immortal. The famous poetry of Bulleh Shah is full of the thoughts of spiritual things. According to a famous verse of Bulleh Shah, it is easy to make your God happy by singing just two songs but in order to make your loved one happy, you have to keep dancing all night. This shows how hard it is to please the creations of Allah Almighty and how easy it is to make our God happy by simply going in Sajda and crying for mercy. Allah always listen to the true prayers of a man this strong bonding between a person and his Creator shows the eternal example of Sufism.

Many examples of true love can be seen in our day to day life. When a pilgrim is standing in front of the Kaaba and seeking for mercy from Allah Almighty, then that true love of God can be seen in his eyes which is free from any fakeness of the world. For the convenience, the respected pilgrims have been seen taking the Packages in Ramadan Umrah 2017 London For Muslims.This true and pure form of love for God is also known as Ishq-e-Haqeeqi. This is the most sacred form of love that a person can have for his Lord. When you pray five times a day and bow down in Sajdah without any hypocrisy in your heart, then no other love of this world can match with this form of love.

A Form Of Indirect Revenge

If one was to go on a date with someone, they might come across as though they are looking for a relationship. Thus, if the other person wants the same thing, this is going to have a positive effect on them.

Online Dating

However, if these two people met through the internet, this is likely to be something that has already been made clear. And if the other person hadn’t said that this is what they wanted online, there is the chance that they wouldn’t even be on date.

Now that they are together, it will give them the opportunity to get to know each other better, and to find out if they are compatible. As even if they believed that they had a connection beforehand, it doesn’t mean that this is actually the case.

An Illusion

Trough talking over the phone and over a screen, both of them could believe that they are going to get on really well. One of them could find that the other person is funny, and the other could believe that the other person is easy going, for instance.

So now that they are together for the first time, both of them might find that it’s as if they are with someone else. This could cause both of them to feel let down, and as though they have been wasting their time.

Another Outcome

Alternatively, this could be a time when everything seems to go to plan; with them getting on like a house on fire. Once their first date has come to an end, they could soon find a time to get together again.

But even if two people were to come into contact with each other in the real world, there is still no guarantee that their first date would be any different. For example, two people could meet on a night out and, when the met again, they might not have a connection.

On A Different Page

In addition to this, one of them might want to settle down with someone, and the other might not want to settle down at this stage in their life. This could be something that will become clear more or less straight away, or it might come out into the open once the date is over.

It could be said that even if one of them feels let down, it won’t be because they were lied to. What it will come down to is that they had certain expectations and, as these were not met, it caused them to experience pain.

Out In the Open

In this case, one will have set themselves up to suffer as opposed to being taken for a ride by someone else. But regardless of whether they had expectations in place, at least they will be able to move on and to find someone who does want what they want.

If one wanted to have a relationship and another person said that they wanted the same thing even though they didn’t, it would be far worse. In the short-term, it would be far easier for them to deal with.

A Cell Phone Contract with Your Child

Cell phones are part of kids’ lives. That’s just how it is. Of course, not every parent allows mobile phone use. But, the trend towards having tech-savvy children is on a definite upwards swing. Roughly three-fourths of kids, 13- through 17-years, either have or have access to a smartphone, according to the Pew Research Center. If your child is going to have a cell phone, then you need a contract. Why? Most simply stated – so that your child knows, and agrees to follow, the rules.


This is the section where you agree how much, when and where your child can use their cell. Get specific, writing the number of hours (or hours and minutes) that your child is allowed to use the phone per day. Include the times of day that your child can use the phone (such as “only after school”) and when they have to turn it off by (how many hours before bedtime is cut-off time?). You can get even more detailed and add places that cell phone use is prohibited, such as at the dinner table or in grandma’s house.


You want to keep your child safe from online predators. With that in mind, you’re all about social media and Internet privacy. It’s likely that your child will use (or eventually use) their phone to connect with friends on Facebook, tweet on Twitter or play group games. Set clear standards for what your child can, and can’t, share. This should include information such as their name (first, last, neither, one or the other both), birthday (date, month, year), location, school, photos and anything else you consider “private” or identifying.


From the cell phone lock to your child’s email account, it’s likely that the mobile has more than enough passwords and passcodes on it. Depending on your own views of personal privacy and supervision, you may want access to some of those (or all of them). Clarify what you have permission to know and use.


Maybe you have an unlimited data plan. Great! This really doesn’t need to become part of your child’s cell phone contract. But, if you don’t have a completely unlimited plan, the contract can specify allowable data usage. Let’s say your child uses their smartphone to download videos from YouTube. There’s a lot of data usage going on. Outline the amount of data your child may use (or, if it’s easier or your child to understand, the amount of time that they can spend online or texts and emails that they can send).


Smartphones bring the Internet into your child’s hands. The cell phone contract needs to spell out what okay Internet use is. Specify websites that are allowed and the types of social media your child can use. This should look like the rules you have for the home computer or tablet. If you don’t want your child using the cell phone for anything other than making calls, add in a “no online use” policy for everyone to sign off on.


Even though your child is signing off on the rules, it’s always possible that they’ll break them. This is where the consequences come in. Agree on realistic and meaningful consequences for each type of infraction. Now your child knows what happens if the contract is broken in any way. Having a phone is a privilege, and not a right. Your child needs to know that while she might want the cell phone, she doesn’t need one. If she can’t follow the rules, you have the ability (per the contract) to take it away.

Can Someone Push Other People Away If They Are Needy

When one goes on a date, it is going to be important for them to make sure that they look right. This is not to say that they will need to spend hours on their appearance before they go out; what it comes down to is that it won’t be a good idea for them to overlook how they look.

In addition to what they wear, there can be what perfume they will decide to use and what they will do with their hair. If they are a woman, for instance, they are likely to be able to do far more with their hair than if they were a man.

Emotional State

During this time, one could feel comfortable, and they might not even think about what will happen with the other person. There is the chance that they have a lot going in their life, and this could cause them to see this as just another moment in their life.

Through being this way, there is going to be no reason for them to come on too strong when they meet the other person. One will be able to be themselves, and this means that they will be in touch with their true-self.

The Next Step

When they get together, one could find that they are just as they imagined, and this could then result in them having a good time. One could be attracted to how they look, and their personality could also pull them in.

This could show that the other person is responding to them in a positive manner, and this can mean that the attraction is mutual. As a result of this, there is the chance that they will end up getting together again.

Back to Reality

However, no matter how one felt when they were with them, it doesn’t mean that they won’t be able to focus on the rest of their life. They might think about them from time to time, but their attention is likely to be on their other priorities.

It could be said that this is the right approach to have; especially as they might not feel the same way when they meet them again. There is also the chance that something will happen and this may mean that they won’t even see them again.

Another Outcome

Alternatively, one could go on a date and find that they don’t have a connection with the other person. For one reason or another, how they felt before will have disappeared, and they might want to get away.

So even if the other person is interested in them, it is not going to have much of an effect on them. Or, if they are not interested in them, it might be a lot easier for one to walk away from the other person.

Two Experiences

If one is not attracted to the other person but they are attracted to them, it could mean that one will hear from them afterwards. One could then tell them that they are not interested, or they could simply ignore them.

Yet if both of them felt the same way, there will be no reason for one to hear from them again. As they didn’t have a connection with them, they could end up feeling as though they have wasted their time.

Parenting Changes Lives For the Better

Foster parenting is a term that almost everyone has heard of, but few realize what the steps are to becoming foster parents and why people decide to do so. If you have ever wondered what foster parenting means, here is a glimpse into this amazing world.

What is a Foster Parent?

In certain special cases, the state or a social service agency deems it would be in the best interests of children to be separated from the custody of their biological parents. This situation is temporary until the children and parents can be reunited at a later time once certain conditions have been met.

Foster parents fill the gap during this leave period by providing for the needs of the child through emotional support and care.

But the role of foster parents is much more than this.

They become a lifeline to children who are seeking genuine love, care, acceptance, and protection during their time of need. But as many foster parents can attest to, the experience is priceless due to the good that is generated towards and from the children they are caring for.

How Do You Become a Foster Parent?

First and foremost, prospective foster parents have caring hearts. Foster parenting is typified by acts of kindness and compassion towards children who find themselves in unfortunate situations that are beyond their control.

If you feel a prompting to help as a foster parent, the next step is to contact a local foster care organization to express your interest. A representative will meet with you and provide an overview of the program philosophy, mission statement, and the history of the agency and their commitment to children.

After these preliminary meetings, you may sign up for classes, which are offered to potential foster parents. The classes provide training and advice on the care of foster children. Once these classes are completed, an official application can be submitted, and the process of candidate evaluation begins.

A Rewarding Life Experience

It is said that giving is more blessed than receiving. This statement becomes a reality with foster parents and foster children. Close bonds can be formed during these times and the joy of helping young children reestablish their lives is fulfilling. And in the event that a child cannot be reunited with their biological parents, the process of adoption can possibly be made available.